i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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