i think my tv is drunk
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize