this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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