Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
