Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
