I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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