I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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