I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
