Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
