Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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