I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
