Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
