You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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