Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
