My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
