i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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