I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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