She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
