Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
third nipple confirmed
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
