the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
