Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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