dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
