we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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