toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
