I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
