The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
