Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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