Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
