all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
