I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
