i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
