Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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