Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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