New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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