I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
