woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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