You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
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Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
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I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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