This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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