I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
