I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
