It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Randomize
