Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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