Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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