Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
