oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
