dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
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He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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