Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
