As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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