Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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