i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
