Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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