I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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