he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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