It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
