I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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