if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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